MyPoopisGreen

It’s been a while, I know. And while the year is almost over, the stories seem to be the same. I’m beside myself with frustration over the fact that there are people in the world, or better phrase - MY PATIENTS - who need information spoon fed to them. Now, I have said this before, and I’ll say it again - I understand, once, even twice of explaining things or telling somone something, but when it becomes basically an every day occurance, and you can basically sense the tension in my voice, it means that you are calling too much and annoying!

A) I understand that you may be calling me because you, (or your spouse) is uncomfortable. I am sincerely sorry about that. I don’t think that you should have to be in discomfort, or heaven forbid - pain, for an extended period of time. Having to deal with these things on a day to day basis I truly understand that being in discomfort (pain) is very stressful and also an exhausting experience.

B)I am a Medical Assistant. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a magician. I don’t have some sort of magical powers, pills, tricks, or trades that will somehow “cure” you. In fact, if I could somehow do that, I wouldn’t be dealing with my own issues - just to be selfish for a moment. And I would help you as quickly as my magical-ness could carry me, because I really don’t want to listen to ya bitch about it anymore!

So let’s get down and dirty. You’re constipated - (or your spouse). I’ve told you REPEATEDLY to go to the Emergency Room. You have REPEATEDLY refused, explained or talked your way out of it. You REPEATEDLY have called and gone on and on and on about how much you - (or your spouse) is in “extreme pain”. I tell you again, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. And you proceed to go on at me about the fact that then you are just seeing an “internist” and not the “specialist” and since I’m sitting in the “specialists” office I must some how have control over the fact whether or not you (or your spouse) goes to the bathroom. Guess what? I don’t, I can’t, and in the end I just want you to - GO TO THE FREAKING EMERGENCY ROOM!!!! I don’t care what you think. Or how “tough” you (or your spouse) are. Because if you are in pain, you are uncomfortable and as you’ve told me, haven’t gone to the bathroom in 19 days, and you have examined your or (”eh-hem” your spouse’s) bathroom habits and haven’t seen any solid stool in them, maybe you should GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!! You won’t listen to me about this, so I don’t know why, when you call about wondering whether or not you are causing damage or possibly bringing you (or your spouse) closer to death you would listen to me then. You want the doctor to talk to you about this - but the fact is, your doctor isn’t there. When we say that we have a doctor on call it’s because I can call and ask them questions and then call you back and tell you the answer. It really doesn’t mean that you are going to TALK with the doctor. And why so many people call wanting to speak directly with the doctor - SERIOUSLY? You truly believe that you can just call and ask to speak with your doctor like they are right in the other room and have nothing else to do? The answer to that one is - NO. You get to talk to the receptionists (the first line of defense), if you get past them to the Medical Assistant (the second front) you are doing pretty good. But the Doctor is like the General, or the President (really ain’t gonna happen).

I’m sorry. I’m cranky because it’s two days before Christmas and I’ve had the Wackadoo Parade come out in full force. There are legitimate people who need attention, and immediate attention. But the difference between these people that I don’t want to rip my hair out over and Constipation Equation above is that THEY LISTEN! If I told them to GO TO THE ER, they would, I don’t know….GO TO THE ER!!!!!

I do wish all a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays and a peaceful and less wacky New Year!

Take care all.

I have to write this out before my brain explodes! I just can’t believe the way that people are, the way that people act and they think it’s OK!!!! Get some manners! Grow the freak up! Why are you acting like a spoiled child when you are 30, 40, 50 or older??? Why are you trying to pick a fight with me about your CAT scan prep? For crying out loud! Get the hell over yourself!!

My favorite saying to these people is “What exactly is it that you want me to do?” That usually makes them fumble for a response to their assinine questions - or their complete idiotic ramblings. If you are upset and want an answer to your question, WHY can’t you just SHUT UP and listen to what I’m saying. NO, they have to continue to be upset about something that, in hindsight, doesn’t need to be that big of a deal. I’m not giving in to your pity party. I’m not feeding in to your issues. And I’m certainly not going to give you the satisfaction of fighting with you over something that you can’t get a grip on! Welcome to the world! Guess what?!? It’s not all about you! You want to fight? Find someone else to fight with, because honestly it’s just not worth my time.

That’s why I’m stopping here. I got my anger out. I said what I needed to say, and now I feel much better. For those who are reading, thank you. For those who understand, I appreciate it.

Take care all.

Stop the bus, I’m getting off. For the love of all things… I guess, that’s just it, for the love of all things, people! Just stop talking. Just stop being you! For crying out loud! I again emphasize, NO you are not going to die from doing a clear liquid diet for A DAY, and p.s. the bowel prep for the colonoscopy is SUPPOSED TO make you have diarrhea.

A hiatal hernia…wait, let me give you the medical dictionary explanation, and then I’ll tell you what a patient asked me today. It was the biggest winner in a long time. A hiatal hernia is an anatomical abnormality in which part of the stomach protrudes through the diaphragm and up into the chest. Although hiatal hernias are present in approximately 15% of the population, they are associated with symptoms in only a minority of those afflicted.(from www.medicinenet.com) I think it sounds worse that way, if you ask me. I like to describe it as the sphincter muscle, which is low down where the esophagus joins the stomach and that muscle is a little bit weaker and is open and allows the acid a way up into the esophagus IF you are having symptoms. Some people have symptoms from this abnormality while others don’t and provided that you are taking medication (your PPI or H2 inhibitor) you should be just hunky-dorey. So don’t get yourself all freaked out about a hiatal hernia, NO you cannot do exercises to strengthen the muscle. Are you really listening to yourself speak when you ask that? What are you going to do? Swallow really fast? Hang upside down, hold your breath and try to swallow? Or maybe bungee jump off the Tapenze Bridge in New York, and as you do that and fall really fast you should hold your breath and then on the way back up I want you to do a crunch bringing your chin to your chest and your neck and shoulders rounded in so that you are crunching your abdomen muscles. Sorry, no can do. Although you might get awesome abs if you did that stomach crunch while bungee jumping. Just a thought.

And then there is always THE GERD - if you go basically an entire day without eating because you were too busy to do so, or whatever the excuse is, and then you suck down a hamburger with pickles and onions and ketchup and tomatoes and who the heck knows what else in a matter of five seconds; my best guess…you’re going to get heartburn. And then, because you are a sufferer of acid reflux (and they all just suffer so well) - you are going to be taking your Protonix and then sucking down Maalox every four hours because your stomach hurts SO much. Fine, I’ll grant you that one. You triggered your reflux and now it’s just a little out of control. It happens to the best of us and you need a little guidance. So we talk through it on the phone that this is what happened and this is what you have been doing to treat it. Talking it through seems to put you at ease a little more and then you are all set and you’ll follow through with increasing your Protonix to twice a day for the next few days and you’ll do the Maalox as you need it for your discomfort. But you aren’t finished, because even through that whole long explanation about what you did and what you ate and what you are doing to treat it, you fail to inform me, until you call back and leave a message that YOU haven’t been eating anything since Monday when you ate half a cow in 5 seconds and exacerbated your reflux issue. Your stomach hurts and you want to know why, and you want to know if you are supposed to eat something or just keep yourself going on an empty stomach! Just stop it! Yes! Eat! Please eat! Put something in your stomach for the acid to work on so that it’s not just working on your stomach and esophagus. No wonder you feel nauseous! No wonder your stomach hurts! It has nothing in it! And has had NOTHING in it for the past couple of days! Just stop it!

I don’t know how these people do what they do. Or how they get through a day by themselves. It boggles the mind and gets you two steps closer to drinking heavily and one step closer to going insane when these people ask the questions that they do. It is utter maddness the fact that common sense is a sparse commodity in the world. Sad, sad, sad. So again I say, Stop the Bus! I’m getting off!

Take care all!

I realize that I tend to harp on the subject, but it does just seem like the simplest thing - think about what you are saying, or going to say, before you say it. It could just be me - I’ll give you that I might have some awe-inspiring thoughts on occasion… but I don’t think that this one is that earth shattering of one. Stop. Think. Then speak.

Let me refresh the thought that with a colonoscopy you do have to be “cleaned out” prior to. It just simply makes the whole thing easier to do, if you can actually see what you are looking at. If you can’t get a good view in the colonoscopy you might have to have a Barium Enema…and I don’t think you want to have that, after everything else! And let me clear this one up, a Virtual Colonoscopy isn’t just THAT easy. You might as well DO an ACTUAL colonoscopy. Did you know that you have do the entire prep for the virtual too? No, you didn’t know that did you? Did you know that there is a little bit of a scope shoved in your butt? No, you didn’t know that one either! They need to pump air in to inflate the colon and get a good picture - AND if polyps are seen, guess what? You are just going to have to repeat the clean out process with an ACTUAL colonoscopy! So stop being such a weiny and do the actual colonoscopy, cause there really is no benefit to a person that has no history of a torturous or difficult colon.

Anyway, “the pill prep” which is 32 pills that you have to take over a period of time in certain intervals to “clean out” can give you diarrhea! All of the preps are basically laxatives, and they are ALL going to give you, THE diarrhea. So if you call me, and say you started taking the prep and now you have diarrhea I’m going to try really hard not to laugh and then tell you that it is doing its job. It is also dehydrating you. So when I tell you to drink plenty of fluids, I’m telling you that for your own good. I’m not doing any of this to punish you. Drink fluids so that you aren’t dehydrated tomorrow!!!

When we tell you that you can’t drive yourself home, it means that You Can’t Drive Yourself Home!!! You can’t drive slowly, you can’t wait it out at the hospital until you are “over” the anesthesia, YOU CAN’T DO IT. As in YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED!!! WE AREN’T GOING TO LET YOU DO IT!!!! If you don’t have a ride, and no, a cab driver that you don’t know from Adam doesn’t count; you aren’t doing your procedure. And then you just prepped for nothing!

And finally, there is no dress code for a colonoscopy. I suppose that I could tell you that we prefer if you showed up in a leotard, a tutu, a pair of tights, and some high heels just to see if you would do it. (I’m KIDDING!!!) But the truth is, you can wear whatever works for you. If you want to dress up in your Sunday best, or if you want to dress down and simply wear a house coat and some slippers that’s your perogative. Don’t think that when we see what you are wearing that we aren’t going to comment about it later to each other - but that’s the way life goes.

So, in review - Stop. Think. Then Speak. Unless YOUR only goal is to see if the people working at the doctor’s office can get their heads to spin around in a 360 rotation due to inane questions. But then again, if it weren’t for the inane questions, and craziness I wouldn’t have this much entertainment to share. I guess the glass is always half full.

Take care all!

Let’s tackle this captivating issue, that so many people seem to suffer from. I’m sure that it’s something that everyone reading this wants to know about. Basically, I’m think that if you are reading this, you get my sense of humor, which makes you more along the lines of whatever counts as not crazy these days. So let’s hold our noses (figuratively) and jump right in…

First off, constipation means that YOU CAN’T POOP!!! It means that you are all clogged up and you can’t go. For whatever reason, either it’s just the way that your body processes things, you are out of your element in whatever way that might be, or maybe you’ve just been eating a lot of something that has “bound” you up. Example: cheese…

So yes, there are people that have what is known as “chronic constipation” which basically means that they are bound up more often than not. It really is just a bodily function, and honestly, when it all comes down to it - the human body is an amazing machine. It takes care of itself, and while you might not get all that waste out all the time, the body does what it can with it and creates a solution. You might not feel overly comfortable when these episodes happen, and there are ways that people figure out how to take care of their own problems. I mean, come on. Isn’t there that certain food? That certain thing that YOU know will do the trick? You’ve got it covered and you don’t have to call your doctor because you haven’t pooped in 24 hours and you ALWAYS go every morning at 9AM. You could set your watch by it. Don’t laugh, I have people tell me this. I have people that are so upset that they haven’t had their three bowel movements a day, and while that’s normal for them there are others that haven’t gone in three days, heck there are people that haven’t gone in three weeks and to them, while it’s not comfortable they aren’t complaining as much as the 3 a day poopers that have only gone once, or horrors haven’t gone at all today! Are ya kidding me?

Why are you spending all your day sitting on the toilet waiting for something that probably is not going to happen after 5 minutes? Five hours, five days - WHY are you just sitting there? And WHAT is with the whole newspaper/magazine thing? WHY are you sitting there for that long that you can read an article? Do you like to sit there and smell what you’ve just created? Uh-huh. I’m moving on, best not to get me started on that…And PLEASE make all the women that have some bloating and gas STOP telling me that “seriously, they look as though they are 7 months pregnant” - OH COME ON!!! I’ve seen these “7 month pregnant” people when they whine and complain and I bring them in for a visit cause I just can’t listen to them on the phone anymore. And here they come, strutting along in there tiny little skirts, there perfect hair, their spot on makeup. They look like a million bucks, and yet they are “so miserable” - I’ve been here people. You feel like crap - you look like crap. There is no way to cover up the “crap” look. So stop crying at me over the phone! You aren’t that bad off if you’re showing up like this!!!

In closing. Constipation is when you CAN’T go. It doesn’t mean that you’ve had a small bowel movement here. You’ve had some “diarrhea” (read as: loose stool) there - and that was yesterday, but today, you just CAN’T go. Get over it! Go get a nice cup of coffee, maybe some tea - hell, go out and have a chilli burger with fries if that does it for you. Walk around, stay active, don’t dwell on the fact that you haven’t gone to the bathroom yet, and I’m think that maybe, just maybe you’ll be okay in the end.

Haha. Take care.

It’s interesting what people will say to you on the phone - and I don’t mean the flat out dumb things they say. It’s more along the lines of the surprising things that they say as well as the interesting things, that it gets all of us at work talking about.

One of the girls got a call from a patient asking if this was when they had to “drink that shit”… how does one exactly respond to that question? I know that I’ve been asked a lot of stuff, but that was sorta a new one. It made me laugh, because what else are you going to do? You can’t be offended, considering the liquid prep isn’t in any way pleasant. And you’ve got to guess that the person is just resenting the fact that they have to do a colonoscopy on all the levels that are present. However, what does one say to that? You can’t very well say, “Well, yes sir, it would be time for you to drink “the shit” to begin the process.” I suppose you have the option of playing dumb and asking “what shit that would be?” But I guess in the end you have to go with the PC way of answering the question and responding with a, “Yes, sir, you should begin drinking the liquid prep at 4pm today to start your clean out”… Why must everything be so proper and kind? Why is it that the patient can swear and be a little bit crude, and you know that if you responded in kind back to them then it would come out horribly for you in the long run. I have had people swearing up down and sideways at me. I’ve had messages left by angry people, not at me persay but at the situation, and they are using some of the most colorful language that just isn’t needed. Although maybe it’s the theory like your father always had when things get broken at home… you know “the magic incantation” that when you were 5 you would hear; and then go running upstairs and repeat the phrase you just heard, from your father, when he was working on getting a screw to loosen - and you tell your mom aaallllll about it? Maybe it’s like that.

Although I don’t think that telling me that those “damn” pills don’t work. Is going to make them work. And I don’t think that telling me that you’ve had enough of this “damn” pain is going to make it go away. And sidenote, it’s not going to make anyone able to fix it any better. (Please fill in the word “damn” with a much more colorful word that rhymes with luck)….

Anyway… We were being silly today in discussing people and their poop. Yeah, we’re all strange. I think we all accept it and we’ve moved on. However, it is interesting how much more entertaining and colorful converstations can be when you talk about bowel movements, THE diarrhea, and constipation for 8 hours out of your day, 5 days a week and you’ve been doing it for months to years respectively. It’s funny to think that when I started in this job I was terribly embarressed to talk to a gentleman on the phone in regards to his rectal bleeding. I know that he was embarressed, and I know that they still get embarressed, but it’s just another day to me. I even get into more detailed questions to find out what is truly going on while just talking to someone over the phone; and it doesn’t even phase me. It phases them, that I can tell, but there isn’t much that can make me uncomfortable in regards to poop. But, to get back to how I started this paragraph - we were discussing talking to people about it, and somehow the phrase “poopey-doopey” came up. The phrase was thrown out there along with the thought that we should talk to people on the phone using this phrase. It was decided that it probably wasn’t the best idea, but it certainly gave us a heck of a chuckle for the afternoon.

We work, we have fun, and we try and help people. Not all people want to be helped, some are just complete freaks of nature that can’t follow simple instructions, while others are so convinced that they are dying, or obsessed with their bowel movements that you just can’t comprehend how they live their lives. But you get past it and move on and hope they have done the same. I apologize for not writing for, I think it’s been well over two months, but hopefully this entertains some. Hopefully it makes sense. Take care all!

Rudeness must be the new thing this season. I guess I don’t understand why people feel that they are THAT special to get away with being rude, and miserable. Although, perhaps because they are so miserable that is why they are rude. It’s a tough call - and I really don’t mean to offend anyone. Everyone has an off day. Everyone has one of those days that they wish they had never gotten up in the morning. However, regardless of how a person feels, or how the day is going it should in no way give people the right to speak in a negative way to another person.

There are two things I want to address - 1) Yes, being a Medical Assistant is my JOB. However, I got into being a Medical Assistant to help people. I wanted to be the one that would be there to listen to people that are having a tough time due to the fact that they are sick and while they are working at becoming better in whatever way that is, they just need someone there to comfort them a little and to look after them. I wanted to be that person to help. I wanted to be the person for these people that I never had when I was going through some things in a different time in my life. I, being a understanding person, also realize that there are some people out there that aren’t “sick” but they still need a little hand holding and guidance and I’m happy to do that for them as well. I did not sign on to get crapped on, verbally abused, or to get actual poop sent to me because the directions are just too much of an effort to read. And while you do have to take the good with the bad in life, it doesn’t mean that I can’t talk about it in my own way. Everyone is entitled to their own way of expressing themselves. And just as the people that decided to be rude to get what they want are allowed to be the way they are. I am also allowed to express my crankiness, or sarcasm, or wit, or charm over the way that my day has unfolded.

2)Rudeness is not a right. It shouldn’t even be a priviledge. In fact, for the most part it probably shouldn’t be allowed. But then again with people’s rights and feelings and moods. C’est la vie. However, take into account that there are a whole bunch of you and only one of me. Take into account that there are only so many spots and times and areas that the doctor can see you and that there might be a few people that are a bit sicker than you are. I’m not belittling anyone’s pain or problems - but when you consider that perhaps someone who is having fever, abdominal pain, and rectal bleeding just might take precedence in my mind over the fact that your prescription antibiotic isn’t going to be covered by your insurance!!! Take a number and get in line! I will call you back. I will try and take care of your problem in whatever way that I can, you just got to relax. (P.S. if you did relax you might find that maybe you’d feel at least a smidge better…just a thought.) In the end, your problem will be taken care of, but I also won’t label you as a “difficult patient” and won’t dread calling you if issues come up in the future. Although, in the long run you probably don’t care except perhaps that you can relate to that feeling with something going on in your own life.

One of my patients once called and told me that she was so grateful for all the help that she was receiving because we at the office were actually doing her a service. We didn’t have to be so nice and take care of her the way that we did. But she was thankful that we were so nice to her. THAT is what you like to hear. THAT is a patient that I don’t mind calling back and helping out. THAT is the kind of patient that you look to do favors for. So just remember, if you can’t be nice to the person that you are talking to, whether it be your doctors office, a client in your job, or even a friend - If you can’t be nice, at least be vague. And we should all get along nicely.

Take care all!:)

Maybe people need to figure out what they are talking about before they actually start talking about it. Maybe people need to take responsibility for themselves, before they start blaming other people for their problems. Maybe life would be just a heck of a lot more simple if people stopped worrying about every little, tiny thing that doesn’t have much bearing on a whole lot.

First, a colonoscopy goes up through the rectum into the colon. It in no way goes anywhere near your throat!!!! Why I’m getting a phone call from a patient that states that he had a colonoscopy and ever since then he’s had a sore throat just boggled my already frazzled mind. I don’t even know how those two things correlate with each other in anyone’s brain!! You had a colonoscopy and now you have a sore throat - we didn’t go down through your throat, through your stomach, through 20ft of small bowel to then get to your colon to look around. And we didn’t go the reverse way of looking through your rectum, through your colon, through your small bowel and finally up into your throat just for the fun of it. First of all it’s not possible, and second of all, WHY would we do that?!?! So stop it!

Second of all, from my horrid day - if my eyes roll any further up into my head they will be coming back around the other way. Then maybe I could go on some sort of talent show with weird disgusting tricks that you can do. And then I would get questioned…”how did you figure out that you could spin your eyes all the way around?” And my answer would be…”oh no, it took some time, you can blame my patients for blathering on about their gas and their hemmoroids and then your eyes just automatically roll up into your head!” I don’t care that you have gas! There is nothing I can do about your gas, there is no quick fix for it, and honestly if you can’t get past it then you’ve got deeper problems! And in terms of your hemmoroids, again with the get over it! It takes time to make all the blood rushing through that vein that you’ve managed to pop out of your ass to go back in. And in the end, if it doesn’t go back in, you then get to go to a surgeon, have them wrap a band around the thing until it’s strangled and the tissue falls off - so just shut up about it and stop telling me about how much it itches and throbs. If I already gave you a little advice, then move the hell on and give it some time. For goodness sake!!!!

And finally - it’s an Emergency Room! The whole point of the emergency room is for people who have hurt themselves, have some sort of unexplained pain that can’t be taken care of in any other way, or for people who are really sick and just aren’t getting better to go to and get taken care of by licensed professionals. If you don’t want to take care of these people then get another freaking job! I’m sorry that wackjobs, and that people who have a 2 year old with a 100 degree fever also bring themselves in to make your life more difficult, but I have to talk to people about their gas and their hemmoroids so I think maybe we can call it even. It sucks that people are so cranky and unreasonable. It’s a pain that when you get older you stop having much of a rationale mind, and you certainly don’t LISTEN to what people tell you because you have your own agenda. It isn’t my fault. So get the stick out of your ass and just do your damn job! I don’t need you giving me a hard time on top of all my patients giving me a hard time and especially not when THE DOCTOR told the patient to go to the ER! I didn’t just pull this idea out and present it to the patient! I’ll put up with certain levels of abuse, but there are things that are just uncalled for and unneeded, and this was certainly one of them. You want to call and verbally abuse me, ain’t gonna happen. And in the end I’m probably going to snap. So Miss Nursey-poo from the ER who wants to lecture me about “reinventing the wheel” in regards to a patient that still has all this pain and yet has a normal CT scan -figure it out! I apologize that the patient is being THAT difficult, but I didn’t make them that way and I certainly didn’t tell them that if they went to the ER I would come on over there and hold their hand until they were ready to be seen! People hear what they want to hear and they dismiss the rest, anyone who has ever worked with people knows that. So get off your high horse and stop picking on me!!!

In the end, the lesson I want to carry across is to do your damn prep correctly for your barium enema; although if you had done your prep correctly for your colonoscopy then perhaps you wouldn’t need to be doing the barium enema - and in the end, NO the doctor isn’t just going to “push harder” to get through your colon to make it easier on you. Considering it would probably make things a lot worse when the doctor ends up perforating your colon for pushing harder. I don’t think that’s something that you want. A perforated colon, oozing all the crud that’s in your colon into the rest of your body cavities - yeah see that paints the most realistic, unpleasant picture that you can carry with you that will make you understand why you are now having a barium enema. Get over yourself! Don’t think that you can just call and be rude to me and get away with it, or get away with exactly what you want. Not going to happen.

Life isn’t fair and neither is the healthcare system. So go get your butt pumped full of radioactive fluid and be quiet about it. Wait out your hemmoroid to heal and leave me alone. Don’t tell me all about your gas, because I just don’t care. And if you want a battle of wills then you are in for a long fight, because I can be damn stubborn. And p.s. if your throat is sore call one of your other doctors, cause I really don’t think that having a tube shoved up the complete other end of you is going to affect your throat!

Thank you. And have a nice day!:)

I know…two entries in two days?!?! But hey, I let you all down with just one thing to read for a loooong time. And I know that this brings people some entertainment, so I wanted to answer the call.

One of my cohorts in crime brought this to my attention - the practice mails out a packet of paperwork that needs to be filled out and mailed back in order for us to get a little more information on what is best for the patient to do whilst going through their colonoscopy. There are several different preps that people are eligible to take. It depends on your level of health, what kind of medications people are on, and of course the doctors preferences - but we need that information in order to best take care of these people. Why would we mail you something out and not want it back? And I do know, since I’ve done it, that we tell people to fill out the information in the packet and then MAIL IT BACK TO US!!! Then we’ll book your procedure!!! So WHY? Do you have the paperwork sitting in front of you and then call the office to find out if you should fill out the paperwork? That’s kind of along the lines of saying that you know that you are only suppose to drink clear fluids all day but does that mean that you can’t eat anything?!? You heard what you just asked, right?

Should I fill out the paperwork? Should I mail it back? I’m pretty sure that those things will help you in getting the appointment that you desire. Although I will say that perhaps you don’t desire it as much as you were just told to make this appointment and you’re doing what you are told. Good for you, by the way, on that one. However, when your doctor tells you to call the Gastroenterologist to book an appointment, please try and be specific in WHY you are calling. You’re calling cause ‘you have gastroentrologist’ is not an answer. Oh yeah, and code numbers and the like, yeah they don’t help us either. Also, don’t go calling a doctors office and tell them that you want “that test” - “you know, that test…” You really should be more in tune as to what you’re asking for. You could be needing to book a simple blood test and instead you are going to get a double contrast barium enema with a two day prep because no one knew what you were wanting. (It’s not likely, but it could happen.) And believe me, that wouldn’t be pretty.

So in the words of Balki Bartokomous…Don’t be Ridiculous!!!! (And if you aren’t a child of the 80’s and have never seen Perfect Strangers then you don’t know what you are missing!:)) My personal recommendation - READ THINGS - directions, signs, information…might give you a bit of a clue as to what might be going on. Also, YOU CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!! It’s not alway about you! So grow up and get over it. We’ll try and accomodate the patients the best that we can, but NO I’m not working late nights or over the weekends just to please you! I have a life too and it doesn’t include giving up my nights and weekends to give you a test or an appointment. And finally, just to reiterate. Yes, that paperwork that you have? Fill it out. Mail it back. And book your procedure. And don’t give me any lip about it!:)

Take care all. Hope this gives some a chuckle.

I may harp on this idea a little too much, but really blame the patients. They are the ones who bring it up, over, and over, and over, and over…you get my point.

You are NOT going to DIE if you go ONE day without food!!!!!

Has not one of these people ever had a stomach bug before? Have they never just had a queasy feeling, rolling nausea stomach that invokes the very idea of eating as a bad thing? You can drink some water, you can eat some jello, but the thought of FOOD just doesn’t sit well with you. You didn’t die then! You won’t die now! And really, the clear liquid diet before a colonoscopy, not our thought of punishment, it’s more our thought of how to make things easier on you.

Let’s think on this for a second. Just one moment, take the thought process from what happens with solid foods AFTER you eat them. They need to be digested, the good things your body needs are absorbed OUT of the food, and the rest of it becomes waste. Waste that your body needs to get rid of. And how does your body do that? Think real hard - ah yes, even your poop might be green. Now, let’s the think of the process of getting prepped to have a colonoscopy. You need to get all that poop out - so I’m thinking, eating a big breakfast of eggs and bacon, then having that turkey club, or pastrami on rye for lunch and THEN doing your prep….hmmmm, not that comfortable for you!!! So really, the clear liquid diet, which once again, let’s go through that vocabulary lesson - CLEAR LIQUID - liquid, such as water that is transparent in nature and that isn’t red or purple in color. (Because the red or purple colored stuff has red dye that could resemble blood in your colon!!! I know, it’s Rocket Science.) And let’s also review that CLEAR LIQUID does not mean that you can eat chicken!!!! It’s not a punishment, it’s a fact of life. Liquids will come out easier. If YOU really want punishment, then have a ball, eat that bagel and cream cheese along with a sandwich and then do your prep. But don’t go calling me when you have continuous cramping, abdominal pain, and you are up ALL NIGHT doing your prep because there is just so much to come out. And then you might not even be cleaned out by your appointment time and you might have to do your procedure a different day and go through the whole thing again, or and I don’t want to say it, but I must… you might have to go ANOTHER day without eating something! That’s right, TWO DAYS without solid foods! I can see the horror on your face!!! Then you might actually die.

Does it really sound so bad now? I didn’t think so. Suck it up! Drink your fluids, have a good time, do your prep and get it all over with. I don’t want to punish you. I don’t even know you! So do me the same favor and don’t ask if a clear liquid diet is really necessary.

Take care all.