MyPoopisGreen

I realize that I tend to harp on the subject, but it does just seem like the simplest thing - think about what you are saying, or going to say, before you say it. It could just be me - I’ll give you that I might have some awe-inspiring thoughts on occasion… but I don’t think that this one is that earth shattering of one. Stop. Think. Then speak.

Let me refresh the thought that with a colonoscopy you do have to be “cleaned out” prior to. It just simply makes the whole thing easier to do, if you can actually see what you are looking at. If you can’t get a good view in the colonoscopy you might have to have a Barium Enema…and I don’t think you want to have that, after everything else! And let me clear this one up, a Virtual Colonoscopy isn’t just THAT easy. You might as well DO an ACTUAL colonoscopy. Did you know that you have do the entire prep for the virtual too? No, you didn’t know that did you? Did you know that there is a little bit of a scope shoved in your butt? No, you didn’t know that one either! They need to pump air in to inflate the colon and get a good picture - AND if polyps are seen, guess what? You are just going to have to repeat the clean out process with an ACTUAL colonoscopy! So stop being such a weiny and do the actual colonoscopy, cause there really is no benefit to a person that has no history of a torturous or difficult colon.

Anyway, “the pill prep” which is 32 pills that you have to take over a period of time in certain intervals to “clean out” can give you diarrhea! All of the preps are basically laxatives, and they are ALL going to give you, THE diarrhea. So if you call me, and say you started taking the prep and now you have diarrhea I’m going to try really hard not to laugh and then tell you that it is doing its job. It is also dehydrating you. So when I tell you to drink plenty of fluids, I’m telling you that for your own good. I’m not doing any of this to punish you. Drink fluids so that you aren’t dehydrated tomorrow!!!

When we tell you that you can’t drive yourself home, it means that You Can’t Drive Yourself Home!!! You can’t drive slowly, you can’t wait it out at the hospital until you are “over” the anesthesia, YOU CAN’T DO IT. As in YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED!!! WE AREN’T GOING TO LET YOU DO IT!!!! If you don’t have a ride, and no, a cab driver that you don’t know from Adam doesn’t count; you aren’t doing your procedure. And then you just prepped for nothing!

And finally, there is no dress code for a colonoscopy. I suppose that I could tell you that we prefer if you showed up in a leotard, a tutu, a pair of tights, and some high heels just to see if you would do it. (I’m KIDDING!!!) But the truth is, you can wear whatever works for you. If you want to dress up in your Sunday best, or if you want to dress down and simply wear a house coat and some slippers that’s your perogative. Don’t think that when we see what you are wearing that we aren’t going to comment about it later to each other - but that’s the way life goes.

So, in review - Stop. Think. Then Speak. Unless YOUR only goal is to see if the people working at the doctor’s office can get their heads to spin around in a 360 rotation due to inane questions. But then again, if it weren’t for the inane questions, and craziness I wouldn’t have this much entertainment to share. I guess the glass is always half full.

Take care all!

Let’s tackle this captivating issue, that so many people seem to suffer from. I’m sure that it’s something that everyone reading this wants to know about. Basically, I’m think that if you are reading this, you get my sense of humor, which makes you more along the lines of whatever counts as not crazy these days. So let’s hold our noses (figuratively) and jump right in…

First off, constipation means that YOU CAN’T POOP!!! It means that you are all clogged up and you can’t go. For whatever reason, either it’s just the way that your body processes things, you are out of your element in whatever way that might be, or maybe you’ve just been eating a lot of something that has “bound” you up. Example: cheese…

So yes, there are people that have what is known as “chronic constipation” which basically means that they are bound up more often than not. It really is just a bodily function, and honestly, when it all comes down to it - the human body is an amazing machine. It takes care of itself, and while you might not get all that waste out all the time, the body does what it can with it and creates a solution. You might not feel overly comfortable when these episodes happen, and there are ways that people figure out how to take care of their own problems. I mean, come on. Isn’t there that certain food? That certain thing that YOU know will do the trick? You’ve got it covered and you don’t have to call your doctor because you haven’t pooped in 24 hours and you ALWAYS go every morning at 9AM. You could set your watch by it. Don’t laugh, I have people tell me this. I have people that are so upset that they haven’t had their three bowel movements a day, and while that’s normal for them there are others that haven’t gone in three days, heck there are people that haven’t gone in three weeks and to them, while it’s not comfortable they aren’t complaining as much as the 3 a day poopers that have only gone once, or horrors haven’t gone at all today! Are ya kidding me?

Why are you spending all your day sitting on the toilet waiting for something that probably is not going to happen after 5 minutes? Five hours, five days - WHY are you just sitting there? And WHAT is with the whole newspaper/magazine thing? WHY are you sitting there for that long that you can read an article? Do you like to sit there and smell what you’ve just created? Uh-huh. I’m moving on, best not to get me started on that…And PLEASE make all the women that have some bloating and gas STOP telling me that “seriously, they look as though they are 7 months pregnant” - OH COME ON!!! I’ve seen these “7 month pregnant” people when they whine and complain and I bring them in for a visit cause I just can’t listen to them on the phone anymore. And here they come, strutting along in there tiny little skirts, there perfect hair, their spot on makeup. They look like a million bucks, and yet they are “so miserable” - I’ve been here people. You feel like crap - you look like crap. There is no way to cover up the “crap” look. So stop crying at me over the phone! You aren’t that bad off if you’re showing up like this!!!

In closing. Constipation is when you CAN’T go. It doesn’t mean that you’ve had a small bowel movement here. You’ve had some “diarrhea” (read as: loose stool) there - and that was yesterday, but today, you just CAN’T go. Get over it! Go get a nice cup of coffee, maybe some tea - hell, go out and have a chilli burger with fries if that does it for you. Walk around, stay active, don’t dwell on the fact that you haven’t gone to the bathroom yet, and I’m think that maybe, just maybe you’ll be okay in the end.

Haha. Take care.

It’s interesting what people will say to you on the phone - and I don’t mean the flat out dumb things they say. It’s more along the lines of the surprising things that they say as well as the interesting things, that it gets all of us at work talking about.

One of the girls got a call from a patient asking if this was when they had to “drink that shit”… how does one exactly respond to that question? I know that I’ve been asked a lot of stuff, but that was sorta a new one. It made me laugh, because what else are you going to do? You can’t be offended, considering the liquid prep isn’t in any way pleasant. And you’ve got to guess that the person is just resenting the fact that they have to do a colonoscopy on all the levels that are present. However, what does one say to that? You can’t very well say, “Well, yes sir, it would be time for you to drink “the shit” to begin the process.” I suppose you have the option of playing dumb and asking “what shit that would be?” But I guess in the end you have to go with the PC way of answering the question and responding with a, “Yes, sir, you should begin drinking the liquid prep at 4pm today to start your clean out”… Why must everything be so proper and kind? Why is it that the patient can swear and be a little bit crude, and you know that if you responded in kind back to them then it would come out horribly for you in the long run. I have had people swearing up down and sideways at me. I’ve had messages left by angry people, not at me persay but at the situation, and they are using some of the most colorful language that just isn’t needed. Although maybe it’s the theory like your father always had when things get broken at home… you know “the magic incantation” that when you were 5 you would hear; and then go running upstairs and repeat the phrase you just heard, from your father, when he was working on getting a screw to loosen - and you tell your mom aaallllll about it? Maybe it’s like that.

Although I don’t think that telling me that those “damn” pills don’t work. Is going to make them work. And I don’t think that telling me that you’ve had enough of this “damn” pain is going to make it go away. And sidenote, it’s not going to make anyone able to fix it any better. (Please fill in the word “damn” with a much more colorful word that rhymes with luck)….

Anyway… We were being silly today in discussing people and their poop. Yeah, we’re all strange. I think we all accept it and we’ve moved on. However, it is interesting how much more entertaining and colorful converstations can be when you talk about bowel movements, THE diarrhea, and constipation for 8 hours out of your day, 5 days a week and you’ve been doing it for months to years respectively. It’s funny to think that when I started in this job I was terribly embarressed to talk to a gentleman on the phone in regards to his rectal bleeding. I know that he was embarressed, and I know that they still get embarressed, but it’s just another day to me. I even get into more detailed questions to find out what is truly going on while just talking to someone over the phone; and it doesn’t even phase me. It phases them, that I can tell, but there isn’t much that can make me uncomfortable in regards to poop. But, to get back to how I started this paragraph - we were discussing talking to people about it, and somehow the phrase “poopey-doopey” came up. The phrase was thrown out there along with the thought that we should talk to people on the phone using this phrase. It was decided that it probably wasn’t the best idea, but it certainly gave us a heck of a chuckle for the afternoon.

We work, we have fun, and we try and help people. Not all people want to be helped, some are just complete freaks of nature that can’t follow simple instructions, while others are so convinced that they are dying, or obsessed with their bowel movements that you just can’t comprehend how they live their lives. But you get past it and move on and hope they have done the same. I apologize for not writing for, I think it’s been well over two months, but hopefully this entertains some. Hopefully it makes sense. Take care all!