MyPoopisGreen

I know…two entries in two days?!?! But hey, I let you all down with just one thing to read for a loooong time. And I know that this brings people some entertainment, so I wanted to answer the call.

One of my cohorts in crime brought this to my attention - the practice mails out a packet of paperwork that needs to be filled out and mailed back in order for us to get a little more information on what is best for the patient to do whilst going through their colonoscopy. There are several different preps that people are eligible to take. It depends on your level of health, what kind of medications people are on, and of course the doctors preferences - but we need that information in order to best take care of these people. Why would we mail you something out and not want it back? And I do know, since I’ve done it, that we tell people to fill out the information in the packet and then MAIL IT BACK TO US!!! Then we’ll book your procedure!!! So WHY? Do you have the paperwork sitting in front of you and then call the office to find out if you should fill out the paperwork? That’s kind of along the lines of saying that you know that you are only suppose to drink clear fluids all day but does that mean that you can’t eat anything?!? You heard what you just asked, right?

Should I fill out the paperwork? Should I mail it back? I’m pretty sure that those things will help you in getting the appointment that you desire. Although I will say that perhaps you don’t desire it as much as you were just told to make this appointment and you’re doing what you are told. Good for you, by the way, on that one. However, when your doctor tells you to call the Gastroenterologist to book an appointment, please try and be specific in WHY you are calling. You’re calling cause ‘you have gastroentrologist’ is not an answer. Oh yeah, and code numbers and the like, yeah they don’t help us either. Also, don’t go calling a doctors office and tell them that you want “that test” - “you know, that test…” You really should be more in tune as to what you’re asking for. You could be needing to book a simple blood test and instead you are going to get a double contrast barium enema with a two day prep because no one knew what you were wanting. (It’s not likely, but it could happen.) And believe me, that wouldn’t be pretty.

So in the words of Balki Bartokomous…Don’t be Ridiculous!!!! (And if you aren’t a child of the 80’s and have never seen Perfect Strangers then you don’t know what you are missing!:)) My personal recommendation - READ THINGS - directions, signs, information…might give you a bit of a clue as to what might be going on. Also, YOU CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!! It’s not alway about you! So grow up and get over it. We’ll try and accomodate the patients the best that we can, but NO I’m not working late nights or over the weekends just to please you! I have a life too and it doesn’t include giving up my nights and weekends to give you a test or an appointment. And finally, just to reiterate. Yes, that paperwork that you have? Fill it out. Mail it back. And book your procedure. And don’t give me any lip about it!:)

Take care all. Hope this gives some a chuckle.

I may harp on this idea a little too much, but really blame the patients. They are the ones who bring it up, over, and over, and over, and over…you get my point.

You are NOT going to DIE if you go ONE day without food!!!!!

Has not one of these people ever had a stomach bug before? Have they never just had a queasy feeling, rolling nausea stomach that invokes the very idea of eating as a bad thing? You can drink some water, you can eat some jello, but the thought of FOOD just doesn’t sit well with you. You didn’t die then! You won’t die now! And really, the clear liquid diet before a colonoscopy, not our thought of punishment, it’s more our thought of how to make things easier on you.

Let’s think on this for a second. Just one moment, take the thought process from what happens with solid foods AFTER you eat them. They need to be digested, the good things your body needs are absorbed OUT of the food, and the rest of it becomes waste. Waste that your body needs to get rid of. And how does your body do that? Think real hard - ah yes, even your poop might be green. Now, let’s the think of the process of getting prepped to have a colonoscopy. You need to get all that poop out - so I’m thinking, eating a big breakfast of eggs and bacon, then having that turkey club, or pastrami on rye for lunch and THEN doing your prep….hmmmm, not that comfortable for you!!! So really, the clear liquid diet, which once again, let’s go through that vocabulary lesson - CLEAR LIQUID - liquid, such as water that is transparent in nature and that isn’t red or purple in color. (Because the red or purple colored stuff has red dye that could resemble blood in your colon!!! I know, it’s Rocket Science.) And let’s also review that CLEAR LIQUID does not mean that you can eat chicken!!!! It’s not a punishment, it’s a fact of life. Liquids will come out easier. If YOU really want punishment, then have a ball, eat that bagel and cream cheese along with a sandwich and then do your prep. But don’t go calling me when you have continuous cramping, abdominal pain, and you are up ALL NIGHT doing your prep because there is just so much to come out. And then you might not even be cleaned out by your appointment time and you might have to do your procedure a different day and go through the whole thing again, or and I don’t want to say it, but I must… you might have to go ANOTHER day without eating something! That’s right, TWO DAYS without solid foods! I can see the horror on your face!!! Then you might actually die.

Does it really sound so bad now? I didn’t think so. Suck it up! Drink your fluids, have a good time, do your prep and get it all over with. I don’t want to punish you. I don’t even know you! So do me the same favor and don’t ask if a clear liquid diet is really necessary.

Take care all.